


leading by example

by serenfire



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Aromantic Rey, F/F, M/M, Student Council, Talent Shows, Thanksgiving Dinner, complete and utter crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-07 22:18:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5472599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenfire/pseuds/serenfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“There has been an awakening,” Kylo breathes into the PA system, voice smooth and mysterious and not at all cracking on the last word. </p><p>He holds his breath for a beat. “The Talent Show is coming! Mark your calendars for December 18th. Auditions are the week before, so everyone: get your act together!”</p><p>The next person over the PA is Rey. “We’re firing Kylo from Student Council,” informs the StuCo President.</p><p>A cheer rises through the halls.</p><p>Kylo yells in the background, “You can’t fire me, I’m VP! And I have an act!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the challenge

**Author's Note:**

> This is the most autobiographical thing I have ever written, and it's 0% true. I haven't seen any AU fics here, so I said to myself, I could set a precedent. A completely ridiculous high school AU precedent. 
> 
> Er, enjoy?

“There has been an awakening,” Kylo breathes into the PA system, voice smooth and mysterious and not at all cracking on the last word. He holds his breath for a beat. “The Talent Show is coming! Mark your calendars for December 18th. Auditions are the week before, so everyone: get your act together!” 

The next person over the PA is Rey. “We’re firing Kylo from Student Council,” informs the StuCo President. 

A cheer rises through the halls. 

Kylo yells in the background, “You can’t _fire_ me, I’m VP! _And_ I have an act!” 

*** 

“So,” begins Finn at the cafeteria table, grinning at his friends. “We’re totally putting together an act.” 

“ _Yes_ ,” Poe says, giving Finn a fistbump while still chewing on his mashed potatoes. “I vote we do Gay Chicken.” 

“You’re not making out in front of the entire student body for your allotted time slot,” Rey frowns. “In fact, I’m _decreeing_ that you even won’t make out in front of the auditions crew, which I’m in charge of.” 

“You’re no fun,” Finn mock-pouts 

“Right,” Rey says. “I’m using my Presidential skills to kill your _fun_. There’s no other altruistic motive at play here.” 

Finn takes a bite of his mashed potatoes. He immediately spits it back out into his napkin. “What is _in_ that?” 

“Potatoes,” Poe nods sagely. “Maybe some salt.” He takes another bite of the potatoes, and shakes his head. “I rescind that statement. No salt.” 

“But seriously,” Finn says. “We need an act to counter Ben’s.” 

“Think he goes by Kylo now,” Poe says through a mouthful of wild rice. He then proceeds to spit it back onto his plate. 

“ _That’s it._ ” Rey stands up, moving her tray down a few feet. 

“It had a rock in it,” Poe protests. 

“No it didn’t! You just have a weirdly obsessive need to copy everything your boyfriend does, because you think he’s the coolest person to ever walk the earth. That’s not a good thing, Poe,” Rey sighs, exasperated. “And Finn — if Kylo hears you call him Ben, he _will_ sic Phasma on you.” 

Finn sighs. “He was so cool _before_ he entered that mandatory goth phase every aspiring bully does. And then, after _he_ chose a name, his entire posse did. What the fuck does Snoke think he’s doing? ‘Supreme Leader’, _really_?” 

“I don’t understand what’s up with ‘Phasma’, either,” Poe pipes in. 

“Thank you,” Finn nods. At Rey’s incessant growl, he adds, “ _But_ , to preserve my own life, he is now Kylo. Awesome.” 

Rey nods. “Remember when he announced his new name?” 

_The first day back to school Senior year, Ben Solo shows up to school with ripped jeans and a black Suicide Silence T-shirt, carrying an acoustic guitar around with him and playing the entirety of My Chemical Romance’s Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge. He steals the PA system while the Principal is in the bathroom, locking himself in it, and plays Welcome to the Black Parade, alternating between crying and singing the lyrics. He then announces that his New Name is now Kylo fucking Ren, and if anyone doesn’t call him that, he will sic Phasma on them. When the Principal unlocks her office door, the new Kylo Ren is given three days’ detention._

Rey glares pointedly over Finn’s head. Behind him stands Hux, hip cocked to the side, sneer on his face, lunch tray dangling off his hand because he’s a fucking diva. 

“Hello, Hester,” Finn says, all shiny teeth. 

“It’s Hux,” Hux says. 

“It’s Hux,” Poe hisses. 

Finn’s grin doesn’t drop. “Hux,” he repeats, almost carelessly. “What brings you to the common lunch table? Why could you possibly be getting your Gucci boots dirty on the unclean side of society?” 

Hux sighs, rolling his eyes. There is a glimpse of his fresh French manicure. “I would rather we not fight, Finn, as we do _work together_. I come bearing a message.” 

Poe laughs. “One _Kylo_ couldn’t just text to the StuCo Senior’s group chat?” 

“He just created the message while we were standing in the lunch line.” Hux wavers, then adds, “If Principal Organa catches him on his phone again in school hours, he gets detention.” 

Finn grabs Rey’s hand, and she immediately pulls out of his grip. “We have to set Kylo up to use his phone during class,” he says, and then to Hux, “Good work. You’re our favorite spy for the light side.” 

“For the _last time_ , Finn, I am not in an evil clique.” Hux grits his teeth and nods graciously. “This is an argument we are never going to finish. Do you want to hear the message or not?” 

Poe crosses his legs and arms, assuming the most theatrical pose of preparation known to mankind. “I’m ready.” 

Hux clears his throat. “Kylo says you’re all fucking talentless and we’re totally going to win first place in the Talent Show. That prize money goes to _our college education_ , fuckwads, because the economy is so fucked up that we NEED to prioritize having the least amount of student loans possible, _and not to your college funds!_ ” He takes a deep breath. 

Rey frowns sympathetically. “How much are your parents pushing for you to apply to West Point?” 

Hux rolls his eyes, quickly dropping onto the bench next to Finn, who scoots his butt down a few inches. (Even momentary exposure to Hux’s cologne can be toxic for those who hate Axe with a burning passion.) 

“They yelled at me for two hours last night that I was only good at athletics and following rules, so there’s only one place I could ever succeed at,” Hux groans. “I haven’t told them about me and Kylo yet, and I don’t know if I want to. There’s a good chance they will disown me if I apply for SCAD, but coming out? Not happening. Literally ever.” 

“Wait, hold up,” Poe interrupts, literally raising his hand in confusion. “You and Kylo? Is this a thing?” 

Hux nods hesitantly. 

“Since when?” 

Hux shrugs. “I thought him serenading the student body on what it feels like to not be accepted was pretty hot, so, second day of school this year?” He turns to Rey. “The family reunions must be shit.” 

She nods. “I can’t believe we’re actually cousins by blood,” she says. “It makes _no fucking sense_. We’re _complete opposites._ ” 

“Wait,” Poe interrupts, “you’ve just been fucking since the start of Senior year?” He points at Finn. “You owe me twenty bucks.” 

Finn groans and punches Hux in the arm. “Why couldn’t you have thought that his stint at the end of Junior year was brilliant and that you wanted to bang him them? Why the _fuck_ now?” 

_At the end of eleventh grade, during a White Elephant game in the class party, the present Ben Solo gives is a wooden dick keychain. No one knows how to react to it, except for the person who actually receives it, Phasma. She throws it on the floor and steps on it, spitting in his face that she would never_ ever _go out with him._

_He replies, “Hey, I’m pretty gay myself. I was hoping some pretty boy would get it.” Ben turns to the assembled crowd and winks at Hester, blowing a kiss._

_Hester flips him off._

_The entire incident is recorded and seen on Facebook by all the students and teachers, and exactly zero of the Juniors’ parents._

Rey grins as Finn hands Poe a crumpled twenty. “Like I have said before, gambling is for losers — and your gang of bullies will be losing this year’s Talent Show to us,” she says, waving her arms around to include her and Finn and Poe. 

“Oh?” Hux grins. “Our group is called The First Order. Who will we be facing off against?” 

Finn and Poe have a silent battle of wills, and Poe sighs. “The Gay Chickens,” he announces, less than proudly. 

Hux laughs all the way back to his own lunch table. 

Rey turns back to the trio. “I guess now it’s official. What are The Gay Chickens going to do?” 

*** 

The brainstorming session is after school that day, and held at Rey’s house, because Rey’s house is awesome. Her dad is some big deal in the quantum physics world, and Finn can only compare her house to something on TV, but comfier and filled with less paparazzi. 

When he arrives at the Skywalker crib, Rey’s dog almost knocks Finn over, wagging his tail and licking at all exposed skin. 

“Hey, BB-8,” Finn grins, and then notices something. “Did you dye his coat _orange_?” he hollers up the circular staircase to Rey’s room. 

She hollers down, “It was supposed to be shampoo! I tweeted a story about the incident! I guess you don’t check Twitter very often! Doesn’t he look adorable!” 

“Not really!” 

Finn and Rey have chilled in her room for a few minutes when Poe arrives through none other entrance than the window. 

“What are you doing,” Rey squints as Poe pushes up the window pane and fits his head through, or rather, tries. The unstable pane falls back down on his nose with a _crack_. 

“Shit,” Poe says, backing out of the window and holding a hand to the bridge of his nose. “I think it’s bleeding.” 

“It’s your own damn fault for climbing in my window like a stalker,” Rey shakes her head. “You should stalk Finn instead, he’s your boyfriend.” 

“Hey,” Finn protests. “This isn’t my fault. My room doesn’t have any windows Poe can climb in.” 

Poe grins, and the tree he’s standing on sways slightly in the breeze. His face turns to one of panic, and he grabs the window ledge. Blood starts to drip down his nose. “Can you all help me here?” 

Rey holds the window pane up, sighing constantly, as Finn helps Poe through the small space, and they land on the floor in a pile. 

“Oh,” Poe says, arching his back and fluttering back down to rest his head on Finn’s chest. “What a _coincidence_ this is.” 

“We have work to do,” Finn reminds him, and Poe grumbles into Finn’s belly button. Something about ‘boycotting’ and ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’. 

“ _You_ were the one who thought we should be named The Gay Chickens, and deciding for us that _we_ should enter into the Talent Show,” Finn protests. “It’s not like some of us have _AP World History_ to study for.” 

Rey, who took the Class That Shall Not Be Passed last year, winces in sympathy. “I actually have an idea,” she says, and the tangled sweaty teenage boys look at her. “We could do a skit parodying Kylo & Co., with me as Phasma.” 

“Why are you Phasma?” Poe frowns. “ _My_ hair is her length, so it would make sense that _I’m_ Phasma. You can be your cousin.” 

“I will _not_ subject myself to an induced state of emo only reachable when one is in front of an audience,” Rey scowls. “ _Never ever again_. Remember The Wizard of Oz?” 

_In ninth grade (the worst year in high school for everyone that has ever existed), Rey is cast as Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. Ben is cast as the Tin Man. At the very beginning of the first live performance, he crashes the scene of Dorothy in the hurricane, in Dorothy’s outfit, and shoves Rey out of the way to play the character._

_Rey shoves him back and continues her part, while the audience is confused about the low-budget effects the performance uses for the hurricane and why the Principal’s son is crossdressing and interrupting his cousin’s scene._

_Ben’s answer to his mother later is, “Because I could.”_

Finn whistles. “Now _that_ was the most emo moment of my life. I was there, remember? Front row, rooting for you.” 

“Yeah, you still had a crush on me,” Rey laughs. 

“I thought we agreed never to mention that,” Finn says, suddenly somber-faced. 

“But the stories of a sad pining Finn are my _favorite_ ,” Poe grins. “That time on Valentine’s Day?” 

_In eighth grade, the last and most hated year of middle school due to the sudden ramped-up tension, Valentine’s Day happens on a Friday the Thirteenth, so the eighth grade party is held in a rented-out haunted house. Finn talks to the staff and pretends to be one of the jump scare mannequins in order to give Rey a rose._

_Unbeknownst to him, Rey’s recent karate lessons from her dad have come in handy injuring the professional stuntmen (the high schoolers getting paid minimum wage for this shitty gig). When Finn sinks on one knee in front of her, offering her a Single Perfect Rose, he feels an explosion on his face, and finds himself on his back, the rose torn out of his hands and crumpled, and Rey standing over him with a shocked expression on her face._

_She had kicked him with her steel-toed boots._

_Finn gets one stitch in his upper lip and ices it for three weeks._

“Can we not talk about how I fail all the time?” Finn groans. “Let’s talk about the skit idea. I think I could do a great Hester — _Hux_.” He stands up so rigidly that his spine is almost doing a backwards arch. 

“Those ballet skills though,” Poe hollers. 

Finn begins his monologue. “I’m Hux, future war hero, so you can just call me General. I’m the top of my class grade-wise and involved in student organization to the point of terrorizing the other StuCo officers. I hate democracy _and_ socialism both with a passion, which means there is no one else I can vote for and stay true to myself than Donald Trump. I can vote because I am eighteen and _kind of old_ to still be in high school, which is why I have the wispy beard hair I point out to _every single person I meet_. Either that, or I just stroke it in front of people. This statement sounds like I jack off in public, which disturbs me. Possibly to the point of arousal.” 

Poe claps loudly, and Rey can’t breathe normally. 

“Encore!” Poe shouts. 

Finn sits down on a beanbag. “We can’t do that, though,” he pouts. “It will only appeal to a niche group of audience members — seniors. Which means we will lose to whatever brilliant act The First Order has planned.” 

“What do you think they’re going to do?” Poe asks. 

Rey shrugs. “Trombone quartet? Synchronized dance? Magic tricks? They’re all _so talented_ at _everything_ , even Kylo and his fucking guitar skills. Something that boosts their ego and wins them the thousand dollars of prize money.” 

“Which I need for my college tuition,” Finn nods, “ _if_ I go to college. I may just get a fake university degree and go directly into the job market. I heard that’s a good course of action from a life hack.” 

Rey sighs. “That’s called fraud, Finn. And we’d better get to work on our act.” 


	2. 2k15

At the next StuCo meeting, Rey clears her throat for silence, and the other fourteen people, a mix of officers and representatives, look at her in rapt attention.

“As you know,” she says, pacing behind her desk, “the Talent Show is in only one month, which means we have four meetings to get our shit together and make this the best damn Talent Show anyone has ever experienced.”

“Language,” Mr. Solo says almost listlessly from the back of the room.

“Sorry, uncle,” Rey says automatically. “How are the pain meds?”

“Terrible,” Mr. Solo says with the same enthusiasm.

“Your sling looks really cool,” Snoke says to Mr. Solo. “Can I sign it?”

Han Solo pretends not to hear the kid wearing long sleeves and a hoodie, currently in a StuCo meeting he does not belong to.

Everyone knows Mr. Solo heard Snoke’s creepy comment, because he has a tell. He slams his fist down on the desk and growls, “Get out of here, _Sam_ .”

“It’s Snoke,” Snoke, Kylo, and Phasma say at the same time. Everyone in the room turns to look expectantly at Hux, who has his feet on the desk and is currently making duck faces at his phone.

Hux looks up. “Any particular reason I’m now the most popular person in the room?”

“ _No_ ,” Rey says pointedly. “And we really need to get some work done. I’m in charge of the auditions group. Anyone want to lead the decorations group?”

An eleventh grader raises her hand. “Great!” Rey grins. “The rest of you, split up.”

She takes command of a few desks in the back of the room, watching as those who are not seniors flock to the decorations group.

Rey has a bad feeling about letting the StuCo members choose teams by themselves.

Finn and Poe protectively sit to either side of her, crossing their arms, and The First Order walks slowly toward them, leather boots clacking on tile.

“We have the same right as you to decide who makes the final cut,” Kylo says, always the spokesperson. “And, as we both have acts, we are both too biased to decide on our own.”

“Can we decide right now that neither of us are cutting the other act?” Finn interrupts. “Can we _please_ do that? There would be _so much_ less stress in my life if we decided that.”

“No,” Phasma says. “We will both win through talent.”

The three of them take their seats at the other side of the desk than Rey’s gang.

“Good thing we have all the talent, and you have none,” Poe grins.

“Eh, we at least have looks going for us, Dameron,” Hux says, still making duck faces at his phone. “Wait, I need to get a group selfie with us all. It’s for a Snapchat story of my life.”

“No,” Rey and Finn chorus in unison, but the fake camera sound happens anyway. Kylo groans between his teeth.

“Like _you’re_ suffering here,” Poe pouts. “I’m the one that has to tarnish my image by being next to non-StuCo personnel here.” He sticks his tongue out at Snoke.

Snoke, without looking up from his Android, flips Poe off.

“Right,” grins Kylo, staring at Rey from across the table. He laces his fingers together on the table. “Let’s get to business.”

Hux snaps another picture. “What about if I tag this _the only drama that matters 2k15_?”

“Shut _up_ , Hux,” the six of them chorus in unison.

***

The Gay Chickens huddle in the library during Chemistry because they don’t understand Lewis Dot Structures anyway and there are more important things to do: namely, saving face in one month in front of the entire student body.

“We could hire a spider trainer to teach us how to utilize spiders to kill our enemies,” Poe says, eyes wide and excited.

He may or may not be high. Rey can’t tell, because he doesn’t smell like weed when he’s high, exactly, just _more_ like the public bathroom than usual.

“Except,” Poe frowns, “I don’t want to be personally responsible for the death of Kylo when he collapses _in the middle of The First Order’s act, how cool would that be_?”

“Not cool,” Rey says.

“So,” Poe continues, holding one finger up, “I propose we hire a spider trainer that _looks_ like one of us to assassinate Kylo Ren. And because I don’t want to be indirectly responsible, we hire one that looks like Finn.”

Finn frowns, tapping on the school-issued Chromebook. “The only ‘spider trainers’ in the area are the zoo staff, and according to the zoo’s official page, they’re all white men.” He turns the laptop around, and Poe frowns.

“You should definitely take the blame for this,” Rey says, nodding sagely.

“No one would believe any one of those dudes are me,” Poe shakes his head. “I’m kind of _short_.”

“Hey,” Rey frowns. “Not cool, bro. I’m shorter than you.”

“Yeah, but you have the social right to wear high heels,” Poe rolls his eyes. “Anyway, I’m kind of short, _for a dude_ , and every zoo staff I’ve ever seen is tall. I mean, they have to train lions! What kind of lion trainer is 5’8”?”

Finn hums thoughtfully. “That’s right. I’ve _never_ met a short lion trainer. Even the women who do it are tall.”

“Right,” Poe claps his hands together. “Better idea. We hire a _lion trainer_ to mercilessly slaughter the members of The First Order onstage, and in the pandemonium, no one will care that it’s not one of the members of their rival, and _better_ , team.”

“And in the commotion, we _steal_ the prize money, and split it three ways, with the extra few bucks going to tip the lion trainer. Or we could use it to pay his bail, because there’s no way he’s not going to jail for attempted murder,” Finn says, and fistbumps Poe.

Rey rolls her eyes. “Not happening,” she says icily, and there’s the end of _that_ discussion.

***

The first audition forms Finn hangs up on the StuCo board are gone within the hour, nothing left but ripped paper corners hanging from the tacks.

So Finn prints out the forms again, and hangs them up, this time standing next to the StuCo board for his entire study hall to ensure no one tampers with them.

Everyone avoids him in the hallway.

By the time school ends that Friday, the audition form is gone again, and an A3 sign hangs from the board, exclaiming in red spray paint BEWARE THOSE WHO ACT AGAINST THE FIRST ORDER.

Rey laughs humorlessly. “Well, now we know who did it,” she says to Finn. “Quick, we need to make an announcement before they leave. This will _not_ be tolerated.”

Principal Organa, being Rey’s aunt, lets them make an announcement immediately.

The pre-announcement music plays and Rey clears her throat. “Vandalizing Student Council property is not allowed, even by the StuCo Vice President, Secretary, one of the Senior representatives, and the random kid who hangs around in StuCo meetings. I know The First Order like the back of my hand, because I’ve had to put up with Kylo for as long as his parents have been back together, and it’s not been fun.

“ _But_ ,” she continues, “it’s totally not cool for someone to actively discourage other acts from signing up for the Talent Show, possibly the greatest StuCo event this semester, especially when the act in question has _no way of winning first place_.”

Rey pauses, and in the back, Finn hoots, “ _Slay_ them!”

“My act is better,” Rey says quickly. “My act is called The Gay Chickens, and we will completely _slaughter_ The First Order.”

Finn adds into the mic, “So be sure to sign up for auditions! And Kylo: the next time you threaten other students at this school, I’ll make sure your _mom_ knows.”

The door to the principal’s office creaks open, and Kylo scowls at them all. “I didn’t do it, and my mom _does_ know, fuckers. She’s standing right behind you.”

Hux bursts out of the broom closet, snapping pictures. “Awesome!” he crows. “You all look _so angry_. This is going on the official StuCo page.”

“Shut _up_ , Hux,” they all say in unison.

They are still live on the PA system.

***

The acts that do show up on the auditions form are all parodies of The Gay Chickens. While reviewing the first batch with the other StuCo officers, Finn remarks, “ _The Lesbian Roosters_ doesn’t even make sense. Roosters are male chickens — so how do lesbians —”

“Give me that,” Rey says, and hums thoughtfully. “And guess what. It’s _totally in Phasma’s handwriting_.”

Phasma scowls. “I never wrote that.”

Rey shoves the audition form in her face. “The ‘member’ section even has a drawing of Finn drowning in flames. Look, you can tell it’s Finn because someone — _you_ — used a black Crayon to color his face in. Which smudged into the fire, so it looks like he’s drowning in tar.”

Phasma scowls even wider. “I _never did that_ ,” she insists. “As gay myself, it would be demeaning to use sexuality as a joke against anyone.”

“Well,” says Rey, mollified, “I guess that makes sense. Do you recognize the handwriting, though?”

Phasma squints at it. “Nope.”

Rey says, “Finn, who are you texting?”

Finn ignores the fact that his discreet texting under the table has been compromised, and continues. “My boyfriend. Thanks, Phasma, for coming out, now he owes me back my twenty bucks.”

“Anything I can do to help,” Phasma deadpans.

Kylo groans. “As much as I’d like to continue making fun of your act for being called The Gay Chickens, we actually need to make a list of auditioning bands.”

Phasma, the secretary, holds her phone expectantly. “I’ve been ready to do my job for a while.”

“Poe texts back that our act should be lighting our farts on fire.”

Everyone stares at Finn.

“Wait,” Kylo holds up a hand. “You’re telling me you _don’t_ even have an act yet? And you announced your candidacy over the PA? At least you didn’t use the same tactic you used to ‘win’ this Presidency.”

_Rey advertises for the Presidency with posters of the sun and other gaseous planets, with the tagline ‘If you want a Rey of sunshine in your life, vote for her!’_

_She wins because the only other person running is Snoke. The vote is almost unanimous._

“Watch out,” Kylo continues, eyes squinted like a hawk. “I’m always watching you, Rey, and when you mess up — I will take your place.”

“That’s not legal,” Rey says. “I’ve read the Terms and Conditions of this thing. If I ever get kicked out because of something Kylo does, I am passing my leadership on to Finn.”

“I don’t think I’m ready for that,” Finn says honestly.

Phasma types the entire conversation down.

Kylo sighs. “Don’t put it on the record, Phasma,” he says. “If you don’t record it, this never happened, and I can assume complete control.”

“Oops,” say Finn. “Too late. I live tweeted it.”

“Awesome,” Rey grins, and stands up for emphasis. “Who’s in control _now_ , suckers? The Gay Chickens!”

Rey and Finn high-five. Phasma squints her eyes, and writes down the statement for the official record.

***

> poe d @bestfuckingpilot5ever  
> #TheGayChickens should do a trombone trio. It’s totally possible, here’s a demo: youtu.be/Jcm0igXG1oI
> 
> finn @thebigdeal  
> @bestfuckingpilot5ever no. the only one who plays an instrument is rey, and it’s a clarinet. clarinet = wood, wood + fire = detention
> 
> Rey Skywalker @tech63n1u5  
> @thebigdeal @bestfuckingpilot5ever I could steal a flute from @phasmaticalphaser heard she has like 7
> 
> finn @thebigdeal  
> @tech63n1us y would u do that tho. doesn’t metal heat up when on fire?? @bestfuckingpilot5ever should just walk on hot coals
> 
> it’s PHASMA @phasmaticalphaser  
> @techg3n1u5 don’t steal my flutes. #TheGayChickens need to come up with an act on their own. except u wont and we will win
> 
> spoopy jim @KnightsOfRenFanpage  
> @thebigdeal should stick coals up his ass
> 
> Rey Skywalker @tech63n1u5  
> @KnightsOfRenFanpage ur not a 21p fan kylo, don’t be pretentious and act like u r. but srsly #TheGayChickens we need an act
> 
> finn @thebigdeal  
> carolling. i mean, it’s kinda close to xmas, right?? @tech63n1u5
> 
> poe d @bestfuckingpilot5ever  
> @thebigdeal NO. U DO NOT WANT TO HEAR MY SINGING VOICE. #gaychickensrule #firstorderdrools
> 
> SUPREME LEADER @snooky19  
> #FirstOrderRules #StuCo5Ever
> 
> poe d @bestfuckingpilot5ever  
> @snooky19 SHUT UP YOU LOST THE PRESIDENCY YOU MEAN NOTHING TO STUDENT LEADERSHIP
> 
> SUPREME LEADER @snooky19  
> @bestfuckingpilot5ever i will find you… and i will KILL U
> 
> finn @thebigdeal  
> @snooky19 isn’t harassing another student liable to get you detention?
> 
> SUPREME LEADER @snooky19  
> #fuckschool i look like the silence from doctor who under this douchebag hoodie
> 
> SUPREME LEADER @snooky19  
> REY GET OFF MY PHONE. GOD WERE IN CLASS WHAT R U DOING
> 
> Rey Skywalker @tech63n1u5  
> @snooky19 the same thing ur doing??? @everyone we’re physio lab partners and we finished 20min b4 everyone else so we’re chilling
> 
> finn @thebigdeal  
> #TheGayChickens how abt juggling mice?
> 
> poe d @bestfuckingpilot5ever  
> #TheGayChickens nahh.
> 
> it’s PHASMA @phasmaticalphaser  
> happy thanksgiving tmr everyone!
> 
> Ren Skywalker @tech63n1u5  
> OH SHIIIT
> 
> finn @thebigdeal  
> @tech63n1u5 whats wrong??
> 
> Ren Skywalker @tech63n1u5  
> @thebigdeal family reunion on thanksgiving which means i have to spend ALL AFTERNOON AND EVENING WITH @KnightsOfRenFanpage
> 
> spooky joe @KnightsOfRenFanpage  
> @tech63n1u5 you and me both.
> 
> Ren Skywalker @tech63n1u5  
> @bestfuckingpilot5ever @thebigdeal PLEASE COME TO MY HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER SO I WON’T DIE ALONE
> 
> poe d @bestfuckingpilot5ever  
> @tech63n1u5 @thebigdeal oh hell yeah ur rich af which means some quality desserts
> 
> finn @thebigdeal  
> @bestfuckingpilot5ever @tech63n1u5 well if my bf’s going i guess so
> 
> spooky joe @KnightsOfRenFanpage  
> @phasmaticalphaser @snooky19 @50shadesofhux … join me for thanksgiving dinner pls or else #TheGayChickens will slaughter me
> 
> it’s PHASMA @phasmaticalphaser  
> @KnightsOfRenFanpage yeh ok
> 
> <3 Hester @50shadesofhux  
> @KnightsOfRenFanpage @phasmaticalphaser anything to get away from my parents. literally. anything.
> 
> Rey Skywalker @tech63n1u5  
> #TheGayChickens Oh no. WE GOT COMPANY. #UltimateFaceOff2k15
> 
> spooky joe @KnightsOfRenFanpage  
> @tech63n1u5 #UltimateFaceOff2k15 seconded. the fight is on.

***

Thanksgiving Day dawns, a bleak prospect on the otherwise festive horizon. Finn and Poe show up at the Skywalker crib, dressed to vigorously protect them from the elements.

“And by elements,” Finn clarifies, in a long black turtleneck to physically propel the goth quartet from his body, “I mean The First Order.”

Poe wears skintight leather, as if hoping to cause The First Order to divert their gazes from him because he’s the equivalent of the weird cousin dressing up to go clubbing at a family dinner. Except he’s not the weird cousin, Kylo is.

Rey begins to regret this face-off 2k15 as soon as Poe enters the hall and bends to take off his shoes.

An almighty rip echoes through the air.

Finn opens his mouth, a deadpan expression on his face. “That _better_ fucking not be what I think it is.”

Poe, still bent over, untying his sneakers, sighs and shuffles around so Rey can clearly see that his leather has split right down the seam, revealing bright orange underwear.

Finn closes his mouth. “You’re — the _orange ones_? For a _Thanksgiving_ meal?”

“Are you blushing?” Rey scowls, snapping her fingers in front of his awestruck face. “Oh my god, you _are_. I do not want to know why. Poe, stand _up_.”

Poe stands and pivots, grinning unashamedly. “Would you happen to have any replacement pants?” he asks.

“Not in your size. I do have some safety pins, though.”

The doorbell rings again, and Poe freezes, turning so his neon underwear faces away from the door.

Finn looks through the door’s peephole. “It’s Phasma and Snoke.”

Rey hisses to Poe, “You need to hide in my room!”

Too late. The sound of a door slamming shut echoes through the hall, accompanied by the only shoes Rey knows to make those clacking noises on the tile.

Kylo Ren has arrived on the scene.

“Fuck,” she hisses as Kylo walks into view. His curly hair is even more unruly than usual, and his band tee is inside out and backward.

Kylo is already grinning when walking into view. “The last of The First Order is here, and we will now outnumber you — WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK IS THAT, POE? ARE YOU _TRYING_ TO BLIND ME?”

“Yes,” Poe whispers petulantly, and turns so that his split pants face Rey.

“I DON’T WANT TO SEE IT EITHER!” she shrieks.

Finn draws Poe into a hug. “Don’t worry, baby,” he says. “ _I’m_ not going to judge you for your choice of clothing.”

“Wait,” Poe says. “Phasma and Snoke are the last of your evil clique? What about Hux?”

Hux peeks his head out of the same room Kylo just exited. “What about me?” he says. His hair, rigidly shorn, is sticking up in three different clumps, and his eyeliner drags down his cheek.

“Wait, _hold up_ ,” Rey points accusingly at Kylo and Hux. “Were you two having sex in the guest bedroom?”

Kylo’s cheeks color noticeably, and Hux, stepping out into the hall in a formal shirt that is very unevenly buttoned and _short_ shorts, nods in affirmation.

“What the _actual fuck_ —” Rey says.

“You got a few buttons missing there,” Finn points to Hux’s mess of a shirt.

“Oh,” Hux frowns. “Yeah. Sorry, it was dark —”

Poe’s eyebrows hit his hairline. “You two have sex in the dark?”

“POE!” screams Rey, Finn, and Kylo.

The knocking on the door intensifies.

Rey hisses, “Poe, get the fuck upstairs.”

Finn picks Poe up bridal-style and carries him up the circular staircase, and Kylo opens the front door once they are out of sight.

Phasma greets Kylo and a harried Rey with a wide smile, six inch heels, and a shiny metallic dress that catches the sun in just the way to temporarily blind Rey. Phasma pulls Kylo in for a hug as she gingerly steps over the doormat.

Rey eyes her stilettos distrustfully. “Why must you all be so _tall_ ,” she scowls.

“Hey,” protests Snoke, who stands, almost completely masked in a hoodie, about as tall as Rey.

“Yeah, I didn’t include you in ‘everyone’.”

There is a clunk and a yelp behind Rey, and she turns to see Poe falling down the stairs.

Finn yells in a mock-horrified voice, “My biceps! They’re so weak!”

Poe lands on his stomach at the bottom of the stairs with a muffled, “Ow.” His orange underpants are on display for all to see.

Phasma and Snoke blink at the sight.

“Well,” Phasma says. “Glad to know you’re being festive for the occasion.”

From the top of the stairs, Finn erupts in giggles.

“This is all your fault!” Rey screams.

“I know!” he responds. “It’s fucking hilarious!”

***

Six o’clock happens too early for anyone to deal with it properly. The Gay Chickens’ base of operations until then is Rey’s room, while The First Order’s base changes approximately every fifteen minutes.

The clock on Finn’s phone proves this.

Rey puts her ear to the bottom of her door, squeezing her eyes shut and listening. “Yup,” she confirms, giving Finn the Thumbs Up. “They’re moving again.”

Finn stops the timer. “Seventeen minutes and forty-two seconds,” he notes, and adds it to the average. “Now the arithmetic mean is sixteen minutes and four seconds.”

“Where are they moving to now?” Poe asks. He holds an icepack to his nose, which had caught the brunt of the stairs, and is lying prone on a beanbag. The safety pins now hold his pants together, but he had noticed one pin that wasn’t all the way closed when he first sat down on a chair and pricked his butt.

Finn hasn’t stopped laughing about it.

Rey motions for all noise to stop, and concentrates.

“I can triangulate their positions in this house through sound alone,” she said five minutes ago. “It’s a — quantum physics thing.”

Now she says, “Why the _fuck_ are they going into my bathroom?”

Rey opens her door and screams at Snoke, who stands outside her closed bathroom door as a watchout. “What are you doing in my bathroom?”

Snoke shrugs and pouts. “No one tells me anything.”

“Well, boo-hoo for you, but _get the hell out of my bathroom!_ ”

Snoke sighs and knocks on the bathroom door.

Hux’s muffled voice yells, “What?”

“Rey says to get out of the bathroom.”

Hux sounds almost insulted. “ _No_!”

Rey yells, “ _Get out me bathroom_!”

Kylo yells back, “Your Scottish accent is terrible!”

Rey screams, “It’s _Irish_!”

Poe mumbles, “Can everyone stop yelling? My head hurts.”

“Oh,” scowls Finn, “ _your_ head hurts. Who’s been listening to you whine for the past few hours? Me.”

From the bottom of the stairs, Leia Organa hollers, “EVERYBODY QUIET!”

No one says a word. The silence stretches uncomfortably.

Then she says, “DINNER’S READY! EVERYBODY WASH UP!”

Rey closes her eyes, accepting her fate. “Use the sink in the kitchen downstairs,” she tells The Gay Chickens. “I’m never stepping foot in my bathroom again until I know _exactly_ how they pranked me.”

 

 


	3. thanksgiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a riveting tale of thanksgiving: discourse on religion, names, sexuality, unwanted relatives, and how to define 'kylo losing the talent show'.
> 
> think of all the thanksgiving drama people post on tumblr, but like, 500% that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this will probably have 1 or 2 more chapters, because I can't plan fics to save my life.
> 
> I formatted the tweets so now they are easier to distinguish! (yay me!)
> 
> note: there's a joke in here about kylo being whiny af and it references trans people (not making fun of them in any way) and as a gq person myself it's completely fine and not triggering but ... be warned, i guess.
> 
> merry xmas! enjoy a chapter about... a different holiday...

Rey and Kylo are placed across from each other, glaring holes into the other from the time they sit down. Finn and Poe sit next to Rey, while Hux and Snoke sit next to Kylo. Phasma, in the usual fashion, is seated on the end of the table opposite to Luke Skywalker.

The sides have been formed and the battle begins.

Luke grins at the entire table from behind what Rey dubs his ‘seasonal hobo beard’, and announces, “Let’s say grace.”

Kylo scowls loudly. “Not _all_ of us actively participate in your religion, _uncle_.”

Principal Organa — or rather, Leia Organa when not in school — closes her eyes and whispers to Han, “It’s your turn to deal with him.”

Han Solo wags his index finger in his arm cast at Kylo. “It’s a family tradition, so you’re _going_ to participate in it.”

“You can’t make me do anything,” Kylo says, folding his arms and refusing to hold the hands next to him, namely Hux’s and his mother’s. “I am _almost an adult_.”

“You being almost eighteen doesn’t make you magically in college,” Han Solo says, and Rey, sitting next to him, almost unconsciously leans away from him.

“I am a teenager and can _decide for myself_ what religious rituals I want to participate in! And I choose _not yours_!”

“Religion of selfishness, then?” Rey raises her eyebrow.

Finn fistbumps her.

Poe growls at Kylo, “Just because _I’m_ agnostic doesn’t mean I’m going to make a scene at your family’s Thanksgiving dinner, so _why the fuck are you_?”

Hux leans over and stage-whispers in Kylo’s ear, “Just do what they want so we can eat. I’m fucking starving.”

“Don’t swear at the table,” Luke Skywalker says instantly, and Hux drops his jaw.

“You could _hear_ me?” he squeaks.

“He hears everything,” Rey assures him.

Luke nods in affirmation. “It’s a quantum physics thing,” he explains.

“Just hold your mother’s and your boyfriend’s damn hands and keep your mouth to yourself for five seconds,” Han Solo hisses.

Kylo heaves an almighty sigh, but acquiesces to hold Hux’s hand.

Leia Organa forcibly holds onto Kylo’s elbow.

“Great,” Luke says with an almighty sigh. “Dear _God_ , thank you for everything that happened since our last Thanksgiving and that our children’s friends can join us this year as well. I _pray_ that the shocking amount of teenage angst would end soon. Amen.”

Finn blurts out, “Did you not experience as much angst as the hot mess over here?”

“I object to being called that,” Kylo frowns.

Luke sighs. “I hope not,” he says, and begins to dish out the food. “Actually, while _I_ was a rebellious teenager, due to a child services spat between my aunt and uncle and my father, I ended up going on a long road trip across the continental U.S. by myself, which culminated in TP’ing my dad’s boss’s house and screaming at him for all of my family’s problems. It got my dad fired, and my aunt and uncle never wanted to speak to me again after that. So, I suppose I did have a lot of angst.”

“Grandpa was _awesome_ ,” Kylo says, almost reverently.

Luke sighs. “Glad I got _that_ period of my life over with and _went to university._ ” He eyes Kylo, who’s devouring a chicken leg without using any sort of utensils.

Poe watches him in mock fascination.

“What?” Kylo shrugs self-consciously. “University is so much pressure that I, as a lowly _not-yet-adult_ high school student, do not feel prepared for. Ever. I could just go to a trade school and be a dentist with two years of study, but _no_ , I have to follow the family business.”

Phasma frowns while in the middle of a bite of mashed potatoes. “What’s that, then?”

Kylo makes a disgusted sound in the back of his throat. “ _Science_ ,” he groans.

Snoke and Poe both wince visibly, then eye each other up.

“Eyy,” Poe grins, giving Snoke a fistbump. “Glad we’re on the same page. Art major?”

“Nah,” the probably-bald boy in a hoodie shakes his head. “Music composition.”

“Nice.”

Rey slaps Poe’s shoulder. “Do _not_ fraternize with the enemy,” she scowls. “Besides, science is the _best_.”

“Eww,” Kylo shakes his head, still holding the half-eaten chicken leg in his hands like a weapon. “No. My _lovely_ parents forced me into AP Bio, and it’s the legit. Worst. Class. Ever.”

“Nah, bro,” Finn shakes his head. “AP World History _slaughters_.”

Hux takes out his phone to live tweet the showdown.

“But the _labs_ —” Kylo scowls.

“Constant essays and _three million years of information_ —” 

> <3 Hester @50shadesofhux  
>  shit goin DOWN in the skywalker house #UltimateFaceOff2k15

Han Solo clears his throat, and everyone shuts up. He closes his eyes in gratefulness. “Ben—” he begins.

Kylo gnashes his teeth together. “I’m not _Ben_!” he shouts. “How many times do I have to remind you? My name is Kylo Ren, and the next time you call me by my puny _normal_ name I will break your leg as well as your arm! Just remember the pain I caused you before you decide to cross me again, old man!”

> <3 Hester @50shadesofhux  
>  @KnightsOfRenFanpage is threatening his dad actual bodily harm if he doesn’t use his new name O.O

Han Solo sighs again. “Ben, I didn’t mean —”

Kylo stands up, chucking his chicken leg past Han’s ear. It crashes against the wall. “You didn’t _mean_ anything by it? My old name is _useless_ , a relic of someone I no longer am. I WAS Ben Solo-Organa, but now I am a _cool kid_ , and my name — no, my _callsign_ — is KYLO REN.”

> <3 Hester @50shadesofhux  
>  @jesspavakicksass no, kylo’s whiny explosion is most def not a trans issue. the shit he’s pulling isn’t justified in the least. he’s just being (1/2)
> 
> <3 Hester @50shadesofhux  
>  (2/2) a cis white dude, expecting the world to respect his every wish, because he’s goth af and a drama queen on top of it

“Ben, I was _just trying_ to ask you for the butter!” Han screams, eyes alight in fury.

Kylo freezes in his angry tracks, and his face looks like he ate something sour. “Oh,” he says softly. “I — okay.”

He slowly pushes the dish of butter across the wooden table, and everyone stares at it as it scrapes a line in its path until it stops in front of Han.

> <3 Hester @50shadesofhux  
>  @jesspavakicksass nvm it’s all resolved now, but i NEED to tell u all about it in english tmr
> 
> cutie poo @jesspavakicksass  
>  @50shadesofhux YOU DO THAT BRO

Rey and Poe are both suppressing giggles while scrolling through their Twitter feed when the doorbell rings.

“Who could that be?” Leia Organa wonders aloud, and Luke’s face turns ashen.

Rey watches in silent amazement. Her father’s face has never done that before.

“Luke,” Leia says, as if patiently talking to a child. “Who is it?”

“I didn’t think she would come,” he says, standing up and brushing himself off. “She never — never _responded_ —”

He rushes to the door as Leia hollers behind him, “Who is it?”

Rey glances at Finn and they both follow Luke. Kylo and Snoke tag along behind them.

> <3 Hester @50shadesofhux  
>  at the skywalker house we have an unexpected visitor, dunno who it is but there is def some DRAMA HERE

Luke looks through the peephole, and his entire body grows rigid. “Oh, shit,” he breathes, and turns the knob, the door slowly opening.

In front of him stands a woman with heavy makeup and a feather scarf wrapped around her cheetah-print dress. She beams at Luke and holds out her arms for a hug.

Luke closes his eyes, but hugs her back, wincing as he does.

“Luke?” Kylo says, raising his eyebrows. “Who is this?”

The woman answers for herself, beaming. “I’m Mara Jade, honey. Thought you told the rest of the family I was invited?”

Rey blinks. “Wait, holy shit, _mom_?”

***

There is absolute silence at the Skywalker table as Luke drags another chair from the kitchen and sets it down next to his place at the table, bringing out another plate and set of utensils.

Rey doesn’t know whether she should laugh or cry. She decides to steel her face and act like a brick wall.

Under the table, the children are all tweeting.

> SUPREME LEADER @snooky19  
>  who tf is that?
> 
> Rey Skywalker @tech63n1u5  
>  @snooky19 my long lost mum, back to ruin the holidays
> 
> spoopy jim @KnightsOfRenFanpage  
>  @tech63n1u5 thought that was my job??
> 
> <3 Hester @50shadesofhux  
>  @KnightsOfRenFanpage yeah youve been doing a gr8 job bro

Leia tries to make awkward conversation as Mara Jade dishes her food up and The Gay Chickens and The First Order obviously ignore everyone else.

“So,” she grins, “how are you children enjoying school?”

> it’s PHASMA @phasmaticalphaser  
>  omg principal organa just asked us how school’s going. should i report the incident in the bathroom with @jesspavakicksass?
> 
> cutie poo @jesspavakicksass  
>  @phasmaticalphaser FUK U DONT U DARE BITCH
> 
> cutie poo @jesspavakicksass  
>  @phasmaticalphaser hey actually wanna hang out saturday?

“Well?” Leia smiles brightly at Phasma, sitting at the awkward end of the table. Mara Jade even looks up, interested, and Phasma bites her lip.

Rey and Kylo are both staring at her.

“Fine,” she says, voice higher than usual. “I’m — it’s fine.”

> it’s PHASMA @phasmaticalphaser  
>  whelp didn’t tell her about the bathroom incident @jesspavakicksass
> 
> spoopy jim @KnightsOfRenFanpage  
>  @phasmaticalphser THANK GOD <prayer emoji>
> 
> cutie poo @jesspavakicksass  
>  @phasmatical phaser thnx bro iou

“And how about you?” Leia turns The Smile on Finn.

Finn grips Poe’s hand for support and answers eloquently, “Uh.”

Poe strokes his thumb down Finn’s hand comfortingly, as if to subtly urge him to take the easy way out and assure the principal that he’s doing amazingly well in school.

Too late.

Mara Jade scoffs loudly, and everyone turns to look at her. She wears the chic outfit _terribly_.

“What?” Finn says self-consciously.

Mara Jade mimics how Finn said “What?” and then rolls her eyes, because, _duh_. “Aren’t we getting progressive here,” she says, pointing a French manicured finger at the tight handshake Finn and Poe are engaged in.

Luke not only rolls his eyes but also covers his face in his hands at his comment. “I shouldn’t have invited her,” he mouths to Han.

Finn quickly averts his glance from her, cheeks heating up in anger, while Poe simply flips her off and continues eating his chicken.

“Mara Jade,” Luke says loudly, “please enlighten us about what you’ve been doing for the past ten years since we last saw you.”

“My god,” Mara Jade marvels, shaking her head and stretching out her words in a Southern drawl, “has it been that long?”

“Please just answer the question,” Han Solo mumbles into his potatoes.

“Well,” Mara Jade frowns, all perfectly poised, “I run a blog that explains the truth about the origin of Christianity.”

“And the truth is?” As soon as Leia says it, she closes her eyes like she’s regretted every decision she has ever made in her life.

“Jesus Christ was an alien,” Mara Jade says simply.

“Holy shit,” Kylo says, face lighting up. “That’s _so true_.” His voice drips with sarcasm.

Mara Jade pounces on him like the cheetah her dress implies. “Isn’t it so weird how documents explaining ancient UFO sightings have been covered up by the government? _Obviously_ it’s because they happened around the same time as any miraculous incident in the Bible.”

“Right,” says Kylo, and he sounds much less enthusiastic. His eyes glaze over a bit. “Uh-huh. Miracles are UFOs. Got it.”

Mara Jade continues on. “Area 51 is blocked off by the government because the UFOs landed there, everyone knows that, but the reason Muslims and Americans are fighting over land in Jerusalem is because there’s solid proof in their holy places that the other religion is entirely wrong.”

Poe shakes his head slowly. “That’s — I don’t even know where to _start_ telling you you’re wrong.”

> spoopy jim @KnightsOfRenFanpage  
>  ABORT ABORT

Hux glances down at his phone, and then looks between Mara Jade and his boyfriend. Kylo is almost sweating, violently shaking and glaring at Rey like she is in any position to help.

So Hux grabs his boyfriend’s shoulder, spins him around, and presses their lips together.

Mara Jade shuts up at once about the conspiracy theories. Instead, she points _two_ French manicured fingers at Kylo and Hux. “They’re gay _too_?” she frowns. “Is everyone in here a queer?”

Finn watches with some fascination as Hux unbuttons the top of Kylo’s shirt.

Phasma winces as she’s exposed to Kylo’s chest hair.

Kylo’s hand strays somewhere in Hux’s pants, and Hux makes a choked-off noise into his mouth.

> SUPREME LEADER @snooky19  
>  THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED AT THANKSGIVING
> 
> cutie poo @jesspavakicksass  
>  @snooky19 what shit’s going down now??
> 
> it’s PHASMA @phasmaticalphaser  
>  @jesspavakicksass kylo and hux r making out to scare rey’s evil mom into not insulting a few religions represented at this WONDERFUL table

Rey pulls out her chair with a _creak_ and stands on it, abandoning the Thanksgiving pretense of Not Acknowledging the Shit Goin’ On as she takes out her phone and films Kylo and Hux making out intensely, putting one foot up on the table in the mashed potato bowl in the process.

Finn can’t stop laughing.

“Wait, I almost have the right angle,” Rey muses, sticking her tongue out in concentration.

Leia, Luke, and Han are locked in a battle of wits. The unspoken question is _who wants to handle this?_

No one wants to handle this.

Mara Jade is still clutching her chest like she’s having heart palpations, staring open mouthed with her ruby lipstick at her nephew and his boyfriend _necking each other like it’s going out of style_.

Han Solo finally says, “I have to deal with this shit in StuCo _all the time_ , I’m not getting involved now. It’s your turn.”

“Fine,” Leia sighs. She swats Kylo on the head, and he separates from Hux.

“Ow! _Mom_!”

“Keep table stuff rated PG-13,” Leia fumes. “Besides, we don’t want to offend Mara Jade’s _delicate sensibilities_.”

“What about when she offends literally everyone else?” Poe mumbles, fixing Mara Jade with a glare.

“Well, she’ll be gone soon, so we’ll let her do what she wants,” Han says between his teeth.

Luke fixes Mara Jade with a _look_ until she tries to start up a conversation with Rey.

“So, babe, how’s junior year going?”

“Senior year,” Rey responds back, distracted with The Video.

“Right, of course.” Mara Jade laughs, loud and fake as fuck. “You’re so grown up!”

“Yep,” says Rey, still focused on her phone.

“And you’re still in Student Council, right?”

“Yep.”

“What an honor student!”

“It’s harder than it sounds — _ah hah!_ ” Rey points a triumphant finger at Kylo. “Vid’s now shared on Facebook with our entire class. Think of this like the dick keychain incident, but more seasonal.”

“The _what_?” Mara Jade looks like she’s going to puke.

“The dick keychain,” Phasma explains from across the table, a vile smile plastered to her face. “You know, it’s a wooden penis, fully erect, that serves as a keychain ornament. It was what Kylo used to woo Hux into dating him, because without any shock factor, he has zero game.”

“That’s _not_ true,” Kylo says, indignantly buttoning up his shirt.

“It’s kinda true,” Hux shrugs, and pecks Kylo on the cheek anyway.

Luke growls at the entire table, “ _PG-13._ ”

Mara Jade stretches the widest, fakest smile across her face and directs The Last Question at Rey. “How’s your love life going? I mean, there _has_ to be better guys in this small town than the selection currently in front of me.”

> finn @thebigdeal  
>  omg rey’s evil mom just insulted me i feel wonderful. this may be the defining moment in my life.
> 
> SUPREME LEADER @snooky19  
>  @thebigdeal hey she insulted me too which is NOT COOL
> 
> finn @thebigdeal  
>  @snooky19 yah but u deserve it

Rey doesn’t say anything, staring directly in front of her. Her jaw twitches, and she grips Finn’s hand underneath the table with all the strength of her biceps, which incidentally are stronger than Finn’s biceps.

Her phone lights up, and she glances down, a confused look stretching over her face.

> it’s PHASMA @phasmaticalphaser  
>  @tech63n1u5 DON’T FREAK OUT I’M TRYING TO HELP

Phasma loudly clears her throat from across the table, making direct eye contact with Rey. She winks suggestively, smile bordering on a leer. “Actually, Mrs. Skywalker,” she says to a baffled Mara Jade, “your daughter and I are seeing each other.”

Kylo almost chokes in his gravy.

Han Solo almost chokes in his gravy.

Rey’s somber gaze does not break, and she just nods back at Phasma, winking hugely.

> <3 Hester @50shadesofhux  
>  @phasmaticalphaser just announced that she and @tech63n1u5 are together to scare rey’s homophobic mom off her tail. #UltimateFaceOff2k15

“ALRIGHT,” Luke says loudly, clapping for attention to derail the conversation. “What are we all thankful for?”

“Rivalry,” Hux grins from across the table, his Android dangling from his hands. “Sometimes it gets _really fucking funny_.”

“The glorious fight for less student debt in our future,” Snoke says, raising his glass of water for a toast.

No one toasts him.

Finn raises his chin. “The ability to win the Talent Show through sheer brilliance when faced by challenges from a bunch of classist losers.”

“Amen to that,” Poe claps, and gives him a peck on the lips for good measure. “Because _we will, we will ROCK YOU_ —”

“Please stop singing,” Rey says, eyes closed and slowly shaking her head.

“Gay Chickens _forever_ ,” Poe says instead, and the three of them share a fistbump. The First Order cracks up, and Snoke juts his chin out to them as if to accept the challenge.

“What’s so funny?” Luke asks.

Leia sighs. “I will explain it when Ben has lost,” she says.

“Lost what?”

“Everything,” Leia smirks.

> spoopy jim @KnightsOfRenFanpage  
>  MY PARENTS HATE ME I’M RUNNING AWAY TONIGHT @phasmaticalphaser @50shadesofhux @snooky19 PACK UR BAGS

“Yeah,” Finn grins, gripping Poe’s hand in his own. “Exactly what would it take, _from the principal’s perspective_ , for Kylo Ren to ‘lose everything’?”

Leia hums, and considers. “Detention,” she decides. “So much detention.”

Finn’s grin grows wider on his face.

> finn @thebigdeal  
>  #TheGayChickens I HAVE A PLAN TO WIN THE TALENT SHOW

Rey leans over and whispers in Finn’s ear, “Do you want to discuss your brilliant plan somewhere not in my house?”

“Please,” Finn and Poe say.

Rey smiles, and turns apologetically to the adults. “Sorry about the sudden change of plans, but me and my fellow Student Council officers actually — have something we need to do. Something we need to buy at a Black Friday sale. Dad, can we take your truck to the store?”

Luke nods, looking relieved. “Yes.”

All the children stand up, and Mara Jade says, “Damn, they’re _all_ in Student Council? How does that even work? How do _all_ of their gay asses get elected by a jury of their peers?”

“What your describing is a trial,” Poe says as Finn laughs into his shoulder.

Snoke shrugs. “I’m not in StuCo officially, but I am _not_ staying in this fucking creepy place for one more second than I have to. Peace _out_!”

Phasma winks at Rey and flutters her fingers. “Coming, darling?”

Rey takes Phasma’s hand in her own. “Wouldn’t miss it,” she promises, a smile on her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For everyone questioning my portrayal of Mara Jade, here is my Internal Thought Process™:
> 
> a) I have grown up reading the EU and Mara is bae. She is ALSO the only Skywalker that could conceivably still be in canon after TFA. As much as I'd love a Jaina Solo cameo, official movie canon kinda trashed this once they didn't call "Jacen Solo" (Kylo) Darth Caedus. So. 
> 
> b) This is a fic that runs 110% on stereotypes and drama. So, as a participation of so much fucking tumblr drama at the end of November, I decided to use it as my muse. 
> 
> c) Therefore I needed a stereotypical stock character to stir shit up once Kylo shut his big mouth. 
> 
> d) Turned out to be Mara because she was my only option. 
> 
> There you have it, my reasons to why Mara is v v stereotypically evil in this fic.


	4. auditions are fucking awesome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which The Gay Chickens (and The Lesbian Roosters) finally audition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 100+ subscribers, holy shit! Thank you all so much for being invested in this fic that started off as something much smaller than it is now. One more chapter to go!

Finn scrapes a table across the floor of the auditorium, the legs creaking on the smooth wooden floor. “Is _anyone_ going to help me?” he groans, finally setting the table in place directly in front of the stage. 

The StuCo Auditions Team sits, unimpressed, on the edge of the stage. 

Kylo slurps out of a juice box, shrugging. “Aren’t you the grunt on this team?” 

“I am the _treasurer_ , appointed by our wonderful student body to count money, not drag tables around for the rest of you.” 

Poe makes a show of sighing. “ _Fine_. I’ll get the chairs.” 

Finn grins widely. “This is why I love him best.” 

Kylo sighs loudly as he drops his homework in a pile on the table. His Chemistry textbook slides off onto the floor, landing spine up, and the rest of his loose papers and textbooks follow, until the table is empty again. 

For good measure, his juice box also falls over and spills apple juice all over the table. 

Hux claps and laughs, like he still has a soul that hasn’t been crushed by school during the day. 

“Good one,” smiles Finn. “Karma is amazing.” 

He and Rey high-five. 

“I hate you all,” growls Kylo, and he pulls up one of Poe’s chairs and sits, arms crossed, pulling the sleeves of his rebel hoodie over his hands. 

“Not me, I hope,” Phasma grins, sitting down next to him. She immediately stands up, expression souring. “There’s juice _on my seat_.” 

She moves to the next seat, sitting down gingerly. 

Hux takes a seat next to Rey, twirling his long ginger hair on one finger and starting conversationally, “So, what are The Gay Chickens doing to audition?” 

Rey smiles. “You’ll see,” she gushes. “It’s going to be _amazing_.” 

Poe meets her gaze and they both chortle. 

“Does that mean it’s going to be so bad that we, as your sworn enemies, are obligated to mark you off?” Phasma says, eyebrow raised. 

“No,” Finn says. As Poe sits next to Hux with a friendly fistbump, there is only one chair left to sit on. The Juiced Chair. 

“This sucks,” Finn announces as he sits unrepentantly on the apple juice. “Just want to let everyone know.” 

“Well,” begins Rey cheerfully, shuffling the auditions papers around in her hand and avoiding the apple juice crawling toward her. “The first act on the docket is The Lesbian Roosters — weren’t we completely sure that was a joke act?” 

Hux shrugs. “I’d like to think with a name like that, the people in charge are intent on reaching the Big Stage, so I think it’s real.” 

“It’s what your solo act would be called, right?” Phasma pokes him in the ribs. 

Hux lets out a high-pitched cackle, clutching his side. “But I don’t _like_ girls,” he says between forced laughter. 

“Well, at least one of us does,” Kylo says, getting out a black eyeliner pen and a handheld mirror. 

Phasma blinks. “You _literally_ said yesterday that you thought girls were disgusting, sexually.” 

Kylo sniffs, applying a thick line in the vague shape of a wing on his eye. “Bi erasure,” he pouts. 

Hux chokes. “ _Bi erasure_ , really? You’ve said a _million times_ you’re gay. Enough that me, _your boyfriend_ , tells you to shut up every time you bring it up. You’re not bi, Kylo.” 

Kylo pouts even further, and reaches over to do his other eye, smearing a wing on it about half an inch longer than the other one. “Shit,” he mumbles. 

“Stop copying Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, oh my god,” Finn mutters, closing his eyes. “ _As a bisexual person myself_ , you’re not bi, Kylo. You’re just. Not. Remember seventh grade?” 

Kylo shuts his eyes and muffles his response in his hands, smearing his terrible attempt at eyeliner further. “I thought we’re _never supposed to talk about_ seventh grade.” 

“Oh no,” Finn says. “We’re doing this.” 

_Valentine’s Day, 2010. Young Ben Solo shows up at school in his dad’s leather jacket pulled tightly around his shoulders, wincing at all the pink! and hearts! decorating the school. If he can get through this day, he will be able to handle whatever the rest of the year throws at him._

_He doesn’t even reach his locker._

_A girl stops him in his tracks, rocking back and forth on her feet, a giant pink heart hidden terribly behind her back._

_Oh no._

_She smiles toothily at Ben, who looks around for the available exits._

_“Maz,” he says desperately, throwing his hands in front of him, “I really don’t want you to think —”_

_She ignores him, throwing the pink heart in his hands. “It’s for you! Love you, Ben.”_

_Ben screams, the paper heart fluttering out of his hands. He runs blindly away from her, reaching the first door and throwing himself into the room._

_It’s a storage closet._

_Ben just locked himself in a storage closet._

_He stays in the storage closet for seven hours._

Kylo sticks his fingers in his ears so he doesn’t hear Finn mangle one of the most intense moments of his life. 

The auditorium doors rattle with pounding, and the StuCo crew casts casual glances toward it. 

“Locked it well, didn’t you?” Phasma says. 

A muffled scream echoes through the auditorium, and Kylo decides not to take his hands out of his ears. 

“ _Let me in! I deserve to judge as much as you do!_ ” 

“Go home, Snoke!” Rey screams back. “You’re not in StuCo! You can come back fifteen minutes before The First Order’s act!” 

“ _I thought you were my friends_!” 

“We literally have never been friends!” Poe shouts. “Good luck waiting aimlessly for two hours!” 

“Oh god,” Finn groans in his seat, his butt too cold with apple juice. “We’re going to be here for _two hours_?” 

“This is what you get when you choose solidarity with The Gay Chickens over the decorations group,” Phasma whispers in his ear. 

Finn sinks further down in his seat. “At least that means we have lots of options of acts to choose from, right?” 

“Wrong,” Rey says, reviewing her list. “There’s like, five, spread out throughout the entire time. Oh, and The First Order took the last spot, as per usual. Look, we have a thirty minute blank period before it! You can just perform then, right?” 

“No,” sniffs Kylo. “Snoke doesn’t know we would have changed it.” 

“Then _contact_ him. Text him or literally just tell him. He’s still _right outside_.” As Rey points, Snoke’s incessant knocking grows ever louder. “He can probably hear us right now.” 

“No, there’s no way for us to talk to him,” Kylo says, glancing at his phone. “Service is down.” 

“It is _not_ ,” Poe says, checking his phone. “Look. Three bars.” 

Kylo staunchly ignores him. 

“This is going to be a long two hours,” Finn sighs. “And we can’t even do homework while we’re here, because _someone_ had to spill all over the table.” 

“Everyone hates me,” says Kylo, scrunching up his face as if welling into tears. 

Hux doesn’t even bother comforting Kylo, instead pulling out his phone. “True,” he grins. 

“I also hate _you_.” 

“Awesome. Couldn’t be more happy,” Hux deadpans, and makes a duck face into the camera. “Smile for Snapchat!” 

“Shut _up_ ,” say Kylo and Finn. 

*** 

After twenty minutes of boredom, there is a knock on the front door that is not Snoke’s. The Auditions group can tell because they’ve heard Snoke’s knock for the entire period of time they’ve sat down. 

Rey takes the keys out of her pocket and unlocks the door, welcoming Jessica Pava in with her guitar. “Is it just you in _The Lesbian Roosters_?” she asks as she firmly locks the door behind her. 

“Yep. Bassist ditched,” Jess says, smiling easily. “I can still rock this song on my own.” 

“And what song are you doing?” Rey says as Jess climbs up on stage and immediately sits on the edge, swinging her legs off and tuning her guitar. 

“Well,” Jess grins, “it’s from a rather indie movie, you might not have heard of it.” She winks at Poe. 

Poe closes his eyes. “Tell me you didn’t.” 

“What?” Phasma says, looking between the two of them. “What am I missing?” 

“It’s from _Inside Llewyn Davis_ ,” Jess smiles. 

Poe puts his head in his hands. “Why does _everyone_ keep bringing up that movie around me?” 

Rey pats his shoulder. “Because you share some _shocking_ physical similarities with the main character, except for the age and a truly amazing beard, and it’s fun to imagine you in varying stages of depression and poverty.” 

“Kill me now,” mutters Poe as he shoves his face into his arms. 

“Hey, you’re supposed to be the happy one in the relationship,” Finn frowns, pointing accusingly at him. 

Rey clears her throat and looks meaningfully at Jess. “You may start,” she says. 

Poe sinks under the table as Jess begins. “How is this my _life_ ,” he says. 

Kylo grabs Finn’s auditions sheet and circles the zero next to The Lesbian Roosters. 

“What did you do that for?” Finn hisses, yanking his paper back. 

Kylo scowls. “Because she’s on your _side_ ,” he says accusingly. 

Finn grabs his paper back, scribbling the circle out with his Sharpie. "There are no sides, Kylo. This is a pointless war." 

"One we will win, with or without Jess backing you up with her copycat act name," Hux says, standing up. His plastic chair creaks weakly. 

He sways his hips to the music experimentally, skintight leather sticking to him, clapping to the beat. "Come on, Dameron, don't be shy. I know you’ve heard this song at least a hundred times in your honor, but you’ve got to just—” and Hux twirls on his shined shoes, aiming a kick at the ceiling, “ _Dance_!" 

"How are you not affected by the grueling school day?" Phasma yawns into her hand. “How do you have — _god forbid_ — energy?” 

Hux grabs Poe's collar and pulls insistently, pouting, until Poe groans and falls off his seat, curling up into a fetal position on the floor. "Don't touch me," he says in a muffled voice onto the tile. "I want to suffer in peace." 

"You're more of a diva than I am," Hux marvels. "Do you really hate it this much? Or do you just not like Jess? Because Jess is my BFF, and if you don't like her, _I will kill you._ " 

Rey snorts. "I think our future military friend is telling the truth," she gently says to Poe, prodding his unmoving back with her shoe. 

"I will also kill you if you don't dance with me," Hux says. "I heard you have some mad glutes — from Sharon, you know, tenth grader who hacked into the school’s CCTV cams and saw you in the bathroom — and if you don’t show me I will _die_." 

Poe sighs. “Everyone’s against me,” he says, and Rey hauls him off the floor and pushes him into Hux’s encircling arms. 

"Dance! Dance!" softly chants Finn, clapping to the beat of Jess's warbling voice. 

Poe sighs, stretched into an exaggerated lunge, and then — Hux doesn't think of it as twerking, exactly, but he's swinging his hips and moving his spine laconically to the tune of a slow folk song, so it's as close to a twerk as anyone in this room has ever gotten. 

He claps for Poe, cracking a grin, and Rey hisses, "Jess is still singing, shut up!" 

However, Jess has stumbled to a stop, glancing in full-blown confusion at the scene in front of her. 

"Don’t listen to them," Rey tells her, rolling her eyes. "This always happens; please continue." 

So Jess does — continuing a croon of _hang me, oh hang me_ — and Poe finishes his routine with a jump-kick in the direction of Hux’s face. He mimes punching him in the balls before groaning loudly and collapsing in his seat. 

“That’s what I will do next time you ask me to do _any_ physical activity after school — more physical activity designed to hurt you,” Poe grins at Hux. 

"Right," mutters Phasma, with her phone in front of her, having recorded the whole event. "Should I tag this #PoeDameronsWorstNightmare?" 

"Shut up," Hux says. 

“That’s my line,” Phasma pouts. On the audition form she circles a 10 and starts to play Angry Birds. 

Jess strums the last chord on her guitar, grinning at the audience. 

Hux and Rey clap enthusiastically. 

"That was awesome,” Rey says. 

"So glad it's over," Poe says, loudly circling a 0 on his auditions sheet. 

"You can't circle zero," Finn hisses at him. "Jess is on The Gay Chickens' side. If you flunk her out there will be no one to protect us backstage the night of the performance." 

"Thought you said there wasn't sides," Kylo mutters petulantly. 

“Well, I _did_ , and then I thought about how vengeful you get,” Finn crosses his arms. “There are now sides. Circle the damn ten, Dameron.” 

Poe mimes Finn’s motions, crumples up his audition form, and throws it behind him. “Maybe I’ll just void my answers, if _you_ care about it so much.” 

The auditions group descends into awkward silence as Jess bites her lip and packs up her guitar. 

Snoke can clearly be heard pounding on the auditorium door. 

"I can help you unlock the door and escape without letting that _rat_ in," Rey tells Jess, standing with a key ring at the ready. 

Jess hefts the guitar over her shoulder and smiles. "Thank you. Uh, this might be weird timing, but would you like to go to prom with me?" 

Rey blinks. 

Silence. Hux slyly takes out his phone and aims it between the Rey and Jess, watching the blushes rise on each of their faces. 

"Sure," says Phasma with a wink in her eye. "I'd love to." 

Jess blinks. "What the fuck, Phasma, I asked Rey —" 

"I know, honey," Phasma assures her, mostly still paying attention to Angry Birds. "But you have to take care of my pretend girlfriend, alright? You're her real girlfriend now, and if you hurt my now-former pretend girlfriend, I will kick your ass. We clear?" 

Jess nods slowly, then waves her head in a circle to communicate her absolute confusion. 

Rey says, "Sure, I'll go to prom with you." 

Finn puts two fingers in his mouth and emits a high-pitched whistle, Hux stands on his chair and snaps a picture of Jess standing and beaming like this is the greatest experience of her life, and Kylo emits a slow clap. 

"Hey, maybe if you finally get laid, you can remove the stick from your ass," Kylo says with a leer. 

Phasma stomps on his foot. 

"Ow! What was that for?" 

She sniffs and turns back to Angry Birds. "Don't insult my pretend girlfriend getting a new girlfriend. She deserves it after having to put up with your ass for so long." 

"You definitely made it into the talent show with that," Rey says to Jess, beaming and hugging her. "Here, I'll unlock the door for you and make sure The First Order's creepy non-StuCo ‘friend’ doesn't get in. Why, exactly, are we locking him out? You never explained this part." 

She raises an eyebrow at Kylo. 

He shrugs. "What can I say, he left me for dead." 

Phasma doesn't look up from Angry Birds. "You weren't _dying_ , Kylo, get ahold of yourself. He refused to accompany Kylo to the dentist, so he is now on Kylo's hit list." 

"Hit list?" chortled Poe. "Who's going to carry out the assassinations?" 

Phasma looks him dead in the eye and says, "I am." 

"Has anyone told you that you're scary as fuck?" Finn tells her conversationally. 

From behind the unlocking auditorium door, Snoke's protests grow louder. 

"Please let me in! I did nothing wrong! _Kylo, don’t let me suffer_!" 

"Shut up," Rey hisses in his face as Jess squeezes through the opening. She elbows Snoke in the face for good measure. 

" _Kylo I need back in_ — ow!” 

"Tough," Rey snarls. "I'm so fucking sick of today already, and I haven't even gotten to my homework." 

She slams the auditorium door shut in his face and locks it, ignoring his pleas. 

The Auditions Team watches her as she slumps in her plastic chair. "We're not going to survive the next two hours with him groveling outside, are we," she sighs. 

There is a sound of thunder cracking and expelling judgement on the world, and Rey falls onto the floor, the chair having shattered into a thousand pieces. 

“Fucking _great_ ,” she sighs. 

*** 

By the time The Gay Chickens’ act is up, Finn buys snacks from the nearby convenience store for everyone. He sneaks out of the auditorium door when everyone is ninety-five percent sure Snoke has taken a bathroom break. 

Even though Kylo bets that Snoke is gone, he still accompanies Finn to the door, plastic chair held above his head at the ready to knock his former ally out. 

The hall is empty. Finn runs to retrieve the snacks, re-entering the auditorium by completing a series of specific knocks that he and Kylo have agreed upon before. 

They consist of Finn hammering the door, screaming, “Snoke is chasing me! He’s right behind me! You gotta let me in before — _oomph!_ ” 

Kylo drags Finn in by his jacket sleeve, slamming the door shut behind him and locking it. 

“Hey,” Finn warns, suddenly calmer, brushing off his red and brown jacket. “This is a gift, so _watch_ your grubby hands, bro.” 

“You got the snacks though, right?” Kylo says. 

Finn holds up three industrial-sized packs of Cheetos. “Yeah, I got the snacks,” he grins. 

*** 

“ALRIGHT,” Rey says, grinning wildly as she takes the stand and grabs the microphone stand _kind of looking like she’s molesting it_. 

“Ew,” Hux screams, covering his eyes. “I don’t want to watch you fondle the poor microphone stand.” 

“Yeah,” Phasma nods emphatically, crunching on another Cheeto. The judge’s table is now littered in both apple juice and Cheeto crumbs swimming in the mess. “Besides, isn’t a mic like the most phallic object in the room? Won’t that defeat the point of what you want to do to Jess?” 

Kylo cackles. “You want to know what the most phallic object in the room is?” 

Hux flicks his shoulder. “The mic stand is more phallic than your dick,” he shrugs, brutally honest. 

“OKAY,” Rey says into the mic. “ENOUGH. I AM HERE TO PRESENT THE GAY CHICKENS PERFORMING AN ANCIENT ART KNOWN THROUGHOUT THE WORLD. _Bryan, hit it_ !” 

Bryan, the guy in the sound room gives her a thumbs up, and Willam Belli’s _Boy Is a Bottom_ begins to blast throughout hidden speakers. 

“IT’S GAAAAY CHICKEN!” Rey shrieks, and dives off the stage, landing in a cannonball on the floor. 

From behind the curtains, Finn and Poe both pop out, assuming macho poses, walking slowly on the stage toward each other. 

Finn tugs on his jacket and stares meaningfully at the pretend audience, while Poe mimes texting until he runs right into Finn’s left bicep. 

Poe falls on the floor, and Finn only flexes his left bicep. 

Finn gasps exaggeratedly, and turns to pick Poe up. He turns the motion smoothly into a romantic dip, leaning down to kiss Poe. 

“Objection,” Hux says, bored, slamming his pencil down on the table like a judge’s gavel. “That’s not Gay Chicken.” 

“YEAH, NO,” Rey tells him back as the mic spits feedback. “WE TOOK THE HEART OF THE IDEA AND WENT WITH IT.” 

“So your entire act will just be them making out with each other,” Kylo says, waving his pencil at them. “Really.” 

Rey looks back at them. Finn has gone from dipping Poe to hoisting him on his waist so that he has to lean up to lock lips with the other man. Poe’s hands are securely fastened in his hair, and with every breath they take, the louder the other’s moans become. 

“Okay,” Phasma says, digging earbuds out of her pocket, “that has to be illegal. There will be _children_ at the show!” 

“I think it’s brilliant,” Hux protests. “Absolutely brilliant.” 

Rey checks her phone, ignoring the protests and audience reaction to text Jess about the plans for their date. After all, she can’t be bothered to pay attention to The First Order’s protests when she has _a real, actual date with a hot girl_. Her life is _good_. 

Hux gets up out of his plastic chair with an unholy _squeak_ and turns around so he snaps a selfie of his eyebrows and ginger hair, Finn and Poe making out on stage beside him. “I’m sending this to Principal Organa. Let’s see how much trouble you’ll get into _making out on school property_.” 

Finn breaks the kiss to tell him, “It’s not school hours, so technically you can’t charge us with anything. This is _perfectly legal_.” 

“What about the talent show? That’s technically during school hours.” Phasma says, plugging one earbud in. She hits ‘play’ on her phone, and, due to the small fact that her earbuds are not actually plugged in, Rihanna blares forth into the room. 

Poe breaks the kiss, gasping heavily, and points an accusing finger at Phasma. He waits several seconds before delivering his accusation due to the fact that Finn almost _drops him off the stage_ , and he clings onto his boyfriend’s shoulders in sheer terror before Finn steadies himself. 

“What did you want to say?” Phasma frowns, almost indecipherable behind _Bitch Better Have My Money_. 

“That song is competing with our aesthetic,” Poe howls. “You can’t just _play over_ Willam Belli!” 

“Which person is this song referring to? Because I’m going with Poe,” Hux asks. 

Finn laughs loudly, accusingly. “Wouldn’t you like to know,” he leers. 

“Ew. No,” Hux shakes his head quickly. “That’s _not what I meant_. I do not — did it sound like I wanted to bang you? Because I _do not whatsoever_. Do not. At all.” 

“YOU CAN STOP APOLOGIZING,” Rey says into the mic. 

Finn and Poe go back to tonguing each other’s throats, and as Rey surveys the crowd, Phasma watches them with a fascination edging on horror. 

“Look,” Kylo groans into his palm, burying his face beneath the table, reminiscent of Poe’s earlier actions, “when will they stop? I will _pay_ for them to stop.” 

Rey grins. “THE ONLY WAY THEY WILL STOP IS IF THE FIRST ORDER DOES THEIR ACT NOW,” she says. “OTHERWISE, WE HAVE HALF AN HOUR UNTIL THIS AUDITION SESSION IS OVER AND WE KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO ENTERTAIN YOU. MAKE YOUR CHOICE,” 

Kylo, Hux, and Phasma lock eyes. 

“I vote we just do our act,” Kylo says desperately, bringing up a hand to block out Finn and Poe now stumbling over the entire stage making out. “I can’t hold out any longer, even if it is just to spite Rey.” 

“Good,” Hux says. “You were literally the only person who wanted our performance at the end, anyway.” 

“We’ll do it!” Kylo says desperately to Rey. “Just _get them to stop_.” 

Poe and Finn immediately break into matching grins, separating from each other but giving themselves and Rey a high five. 

“The Gay Chickens for the win!” they cheer. 

Rey does another high five and tosses the keys to the auditorium door blindly at The First Order. They hit Kylo squarely on the nose. “Somebody go get Snoke,” she says. 

“You hit my nose!” protests Kylo, holding it gingerly. 

“Shut up,” says Hux. 


	5. viva la revolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final battle has begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I want to say that it's been an amazing journey writing this and entertaining all of you. The feedback I have gotten has been spectacular, to say the least. Alas, the time has come to end this and give a final resolution. 
> 
> At the very least, I hope this fic has piqued your interest in student government, because StuCo and the like always needs more love. 
> 
> Enjoy!

December 18th is Go Day. Because the members of StuCo all have _wonderful_ lives, they get to show up after lunch to set up for the Talent Show. The upside is that school is closed that day for Professional Development of the teachers, which really only means that the teachers will be as exhausted and pissed off as if it was a normal school day.

Rey unlocks the auditorium door, wearing a mask to protect her from the dust generated from a day of disuse. Finn doesn’t, and it triggers a coughing spree in him.

“Dude,” Poe says, patting him on the back and rubbing his nose through his own dust mask, “you should have listened to Rey.”

“You should always listen to me,” Rey corrects. “Always. I’m always right.”

The First Order is half an hour late, and by the time they swagger through the door, the Gay Chickens have brought in all the air filters on this floor of the school building and turned them to maximum, waiting for the smog to carefully filter out.

“Glad you made it,” Rey says. “Are you trying to _hide_ your backpacks?”

“Our props should be secret until the performance,” Kylo sniffs, and shoves the bright purple frizzy wig further into his backpack.

Phasma stuffs a brown wig deeper into her purse and walks gingerly on bowlegged legs.

“Are you injured?” Poe asks.

Phasma seethes and flips him off. “I exercised,” she says through gritted teeth. “Worst. Mistake. Ever.”

“We’ve already seen you audition for the act,” Finn says, pointing at Kylo’s wigs. “There’s no need for secrecy.”

“Yeah, but the _audience_ doesn’t know what we’re doing,” Hux says. “What if someone in the sound team reports here early to spy on us, and talk circulated about our act? What if _no one_ is the least bit surprised by our _brilliant_ acting skills? You know the only thing going for this act is shock value, and if we don’t have it, we will lose.”

“Yeah, that’s the point,” Poe rolls his eyes.

Phasma sits down by the soundboard, turning the equipment on and plugging in her phone to the playlist.

The Bee Gees blare from the auditorium speakers, several decibel levels louder than needed.

Finn plugs his ears. “I’m getting serious _The Martian_ flashbacks!” he hollers. “Would you please — Phasma, turn it _off_ —”

Phasma shrugs. “Bro, _The Martian_ soundtrack is the best!” She may or may not be smacking gum in her mouth like she gives zero shits about uniting StuCo through song and dance.

“Are you kidding me?” Kylo frowns, hand pressed over his ears. His new manicure — very _long_ fake nails like claws sporting red and yellow stripes — is visible like spotlights from police helicopters zeroing in on the clashing colors. “That movie’s soundtrack was worse than _Guardians of the Galaxy_!”

“Okay, one?” Hux holds up his own fingernail, which, as per usual, is not manicured. It’s chewed on and the cuticle hangs on by a thread. “GOTG was _the best movie_ , okay? If you didn’t like it, _we’re not friends anymore_.”

Kylo hesitates. “So does that mean that hate sex is on the table, or —”

“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK,” says Phasma loudly. “WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT ALOUD. LITERALLY. WHY.”

Hux blinks at Kylo. “ _No_. You _insulted classic rock_. What would make you ever think we could survive in the same room?”

“You — you _suck_ ,” Kylo pouts.

“And _you_ have nice fascist nails,” Poe scowls at him from where he’s dragging out stacks of chairs from the storage closet. “So who sucks more?”

“Yeah, _Benjamin Jacen Solo_ ,” Hux snarls, to the gasps of The First Order. “Go rot in hell.”

Snoke giggles.

“What?” he frowns at the aghast audience. “Break-ups are funny.”

“Where’s the rest of StuCo at?” Rey asks the general public as she helps Poe to set up the auditorium chairs.

“Well,” Phasma says, counting off the list on her own manicured nails (not in fascist colors, but instead matte pink), “there’s a soccer tournament, so all the underclassmen are there because they can shirk StuCo duty for _sports_ , and the eleventh graders are who the fuck knows where. Eleventh graders are the _worst_.”

“Hey, can we fire them? Do we have that power?” Finn asks.

“Could,” Rey shrugs. “Don’t feel like it.”

“So it’s just us?” Snoke frowns, pulling his mandatory hoodie tighter around himself, glaring at his fellow seniors. “This is going to suck _so much_.”

“Dude, you’re not even in StuCo,” Poe frowns. “Why do you even have a judgemental opinion on our event? It’s going to be _awesome_ , because _we’re going to win the prize money_.”

“No one wants to pay you money to make out on stage,” Kylo says. “ _No one_.”

“Well, you’ll see,” Poe grins, and plunks a plastic chair down directly on his foot, to the ensuring giggles from Snoke.

“I’ll get the first aid kit,” Finn grumbles.

Poe holds up his foot, proclaiming, “I got a boo-boo!”

Hux glances at his watch. “Five minutes in close proximity to each other,” he observes. “New record of self-injury.”

***

Jess shows up an hour into the endeavor, making her four hours before the actual roll call of Talent Show acts. She hugs Rey tightly as she enters.

“You’re early,” Rey observes.

“I’m here to serenade you,” Jess says, “and I Googled it this morning and being in the vicinity of people setting up for a school event _technically_ counts as community service.”

“You’re here to serenade me and mooch off my hard work?”

“Exactly,” Jess beams. “It’s gonna be awesome.”

She sits, legs dangling off the edge of the stage like before, as she tunes her guitar. Rey sits in the front row of plastic chairs, listening attentively.

“Great,” Finn sighs. “If the President has given up on work, nothing’s going to get done.” He looks down at the fabric in his hands he’s pinning to the wall.

As Jess croons out various cheesy love songs for Rey, who in turn blushes deeper and can’t stop grinning.

Snoke says loudly, “Stop being all perfect and in love!”

Rey turns and blinks at him. “First: ew, what? Second: I’m not going to let you embarrass me by stating things that _clearly_ aren’t true. We will _still win the prize money_!”

“Just you try!” sneers Hux. “We need this money more than you, because you have more scholarships than us. Therefore, we have more motive to win it.”

Poe blinks. “You do know you just inferred that because you have less scholarships than us, you’re less smart than us.”

Hux sniffs. “I am a white man in an uber politically correct world. There are no scholarship opportunities available for me.”

Phasma scoffs loudly. “That’s _so not true_ , Hux, what _even_.”

***

Even the only lover of disco in the room has to take a bathroom break at some point, and when Phasma does, Snoke completely sabotages her operation.

As soon as Phasma twitches while in the middle of a paragraph-long explanation of why The First Order’s act should be at the very end of the program, she stops talking and bolts to the bathroom.

Snoke immediately slides off the end of the stage and viciously disconnects Phasma’s phone. Disco ceases to be a drag on society, and Snoke fumbles with plugging his own playlist into the mechanical heart of the party.

From the silence bursts forth a long Latin hum.

“What is this shit?” Finn frowns.

Snoke grins gleefully. “Gregorian chants, baby!”

Finn shakes his head. “Never call me that again. And _really_?”

“They’re cool as _fuck_ ,” Snoke says. “Seriously. Just give it a try. And as for disco —” He holds Phasma’s phone up in the air, and it flashes in the light like a jewel. “DOWN WITH DISCO! FREEDOM FOR EVERYONE!”

He chucks the phone at the stage.

The phone’s flight is stopped by a manicured hand in matte pink.

Phasma stands between the phone and its demise, scowling. “Don’t _ever_ assume my back is turned, Snoke, especially not when you decide to wage war upon me. Because I will find you, and I will _kill you_.”

She mimes an ‘I’m always watching you’ motion with her hand, and Snoke takes a step back from the soundboard.

“Did you go to the bathroom, or did you just pretend to?” he asks, paling.

Phasma smiles wide. “What do _you_ think?”

***

Finn taps a pen on his clipboard of the night’s schedule. During the allotted time slot for intermission, ‘ _trash pick up’_ is doodled in the margins.

He corners Hux about the issue. “You can’t leave to sell snacks five minutes before intermission.”

Hux lounges in the corner, scrolling through his Pinterest feed and not paying attention to Finn.

“ _Hux_. You can’t go five minutes before, you need to help collect trash with the rest of us.” Finn waves his hands in the man’s face, and Hux finally looks up. “Are you even listening to me?”

“Yeah,” Hux shrugs. “I need to totally disregard my main job this evening to help you become the de facto janitor for the night. My answer is _no_.”

“I didn’t ask you a question. Everyone in StuCo needs to help pick up the initial amount of trash generated when the audience walks out, because there are too little of us to pick it up individually while they are buying snacks.”

“I will _not_. I have a loyal customer base in the audience who expects my professionalism at every moment, from the time they step out those doors to the time Rey calls them back into the auditorium. I have a sworn duty to uphold the job of selling them chips and Coke, and I will _not_ be stuck in the massive crowd and leave them to loiter.”

Hux returns to his phone.

Finn says, “I am _not_ collecting all the trash on my own.”

“You have literally the _rest of Student Council_ to help you pick up trash.”

“If you take the fun job and are outside selling snacks, everyone will join you, because no one wants to pick up the trash! Literally everyone looks for a way out of hard work, because they’re all shitheads.”

Poe cranes his neck from where he’s reading Les Mis in his spare time, thanks to AP English. “What did you call me?”

“You’re a shithead,” Finn says. “Sorry to spring the news on you like this, but you’re terrible.” He turns to Hux. “I need you to help me carry trash cans around because you’re one of the only resourceful ones here.”

Hux puts his hand over his heart. “Aw, that’s incredibly sweet of you, but don’t let Kylo hear you. He’ll get jealous.”

Kylo looks up from where he’s literally sleeping on the stage. “You mentioned me?”

Hux holds a hand over Finn’s mouth. “If you don’t respond to him, he’ll go back to sleep.”

Finn heeds Hux’s bitchface and doesn’t make a sound.

***

Kylo and Rey have a discussion over the order of acts while they both lie on the stage and try to take naps.

“The First Order needs to go last,” Kylo says, like there isn’t any discussion. “We have the best act, and you know it. The last act always gets remembered the best.”

He yanks the bright pink wig out of Rey’s hand and stuffs it into his backpack, zipping it up with some struggle over the dyed strands of hair.

Rey takes the opportunity to slip The Item into his pocket, and as he doesn’t notice the transaction of illegal material, she grins internally.

“The Gay Chickens deserve to have the last act,” she says as if nothing is out of the ordinary. “We went first in the audition, so we deserve to be last in the performance. Also: I am the President and I get to decide these things, not you. So you don’t really have a say in it.”

Kylo flips her off as Rey makes the final changes to her emcee chart. “But, to be fair,” she continues, “The First Order can go second-last, so people remember them second-best.”

***

“RIGHT,” Rey says, tapping the mic. She stands at the very tip of the stage, in front of the closed curtain, a school jacket wrapped around her. “HELLO, EVERYBODY.”

The audience, observing students, staff, and parents, quiet down to some extent, and focus their attention on Rey, who has a spotlight all to herself.

Rey beams. “I’M GLAD YOU ALL COULD MAKE IT. I MEAN, AS THIS IS A MANDATORY SCHOOL EVENT, IT’S NOT LIKE YOU ALL SURPRISED ME BY SHOWING UP OR ANYTHING.”

The Talent Show, and all the other StuCo events, have been mandatory since a total of seventeen people showed up for this event five years ago, crushing school morale. Out of those seventeen, only two were parents, and the rest were friends of one of the acts. The act in question was Maz’s solo saxophone performance.

“AS THIS IS A SCHOOL EVENT AND WE ARE BEING RESPECTFUL, ALL CELL PHONES MUST BE TURNED OFF. IF NOT, PRINCIPAL ORGANA IS MORE THAN WILLING TO ISSUE DETENTIONS.”

Rey nods at Leia Organa, who sits in the front row and wryly smiles back at her. The audience titters, and as one entity is not sure whether to laugh or not.

“I’M THE EMCEE FOR THE NIGHT, CURRENT STUDENT COUNCIL PRESIDENT, REY SKYWALKER.”

There is more applause at this announcement than the cell phone joke.

Rey smiles at the crowd. “THE FIRST ACT ON THE DOCKET IS JESSIKA PAVA IN A SOLO ACT: _THE LESBIAN ROOSTERS._ EVERYBODY, SHE IS MY DATE TO PROM, SO YOU’D BETTER ENJOY THIS ACT. OR ELSE.”

As the audience claps, confused more than entertained, Rey exits backstage, and the curtains open.

Poe is managing the curtains, and he claps Rey on the shoulders as she passes him. “Good job,” he whispers.

Rey grins, gives him a thumbs up, and sits in a plastic chair next to Finn. Backstage is filled with similar chairs, in much more disarray than in the auditorium, and the various acts are tuning guitars and juggling balls and giggling with their friends, loudly even though Jess has begun to sing Poe’s _favorite song ever_.

Finn whispers to Rey, glaring at The First Order sitting across from them, “Is everything set?”

“The Item is in place,” Rey affirms, giving him a fistbump. Jess’s lovely voice filters through the performers not paying attention, and she sounds as vibrant as she did in the audition.

Poe just rolls his eyes when she reaches the chorus, gesturing to Finn that he wants to — stab someone? Execute a dance routine? Finn can’t read hand gestures.

Rey sways in her seat to the beat of Jess’s music.

“You’re _really_ happy that Jess asked you to prom,” Finn notes.

Rey nods. “Yep. Now I have something to look forward to at that stressful dance. I mean, once we start to plan the dances and the rest of the events, they lose all their fun and mystery, don’t you think?”

Finn shrugs. “Well, I was always going to go to prom with Poe, so it’s not like I was in desperate need of attention.”

“I am _not_ in desperate need of attention —”

“Okay,” Finn says, waving her off. “Sure. But you know what’s more important? What we are going to do when we win the Talent Show. I _mean_ , will we give ourselves new names? Change our outfits to all leather and reflective plastic? Will we hook our own party anthems up to the PA and blare them for all to hear? Will we ever let The First Order forget we won? No, we won’t.”

“Psst!” Poe yells at them, looking up from his phone. He mouths something to Finn.

“What? I can’t hear you.”

“Well,” Rey smacks him on the arm, “don’t talk _louder_ , just go closer to him. The audience doesn’t need to be distracted by your confessions of love.”

Finn walks over to Poe. “What did you say?”

Poe hisses in his ear, “This is enough of the song, don’t you think?” He nods his chin at Jess, who has reached the final chorus, slowing the tempo down for emphasis.

Finn frowns. “What?”

“Great, thanks,” Poe grins, and yanks the cord on the curtain, which slowly unfurls itself, effectively covering the end of Jess’s performance, a barrier between her and the microphone.

Jess turns to him. “ _Poe Dameron_ , the fuck did you do?”

“Shit,” Poe says, clapping Finn on the back, “gotta run! Take care of my jacket for me!” He dashes off to the fire escape, Jess hot on his heels.

Rey tromps past Finn and kicks the stage. “Every single damn time,” she mutters. “ _Every single time_ I have to clean up his fucking messes.”

***

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,” Rey announces, plus one black eye and two swelling bruises on her forearms, courtesy of everything that can possibly go wrong backstage going wrong. “IT’S TIME FOR THE SECOND-FINAL ACT OF THE EVENING. GIVE IT UP FOR THE FIRST ORDER!”

The First Order’s posse, camped out on the first two rows, clap wildly.

Phasma sits by the piano, playing a tuneless melody as Kylo and Snoke walk onstage. Kylo walks directly to the mic, always the spokesperson, and Snoke steps into the spotlight, hoodie obscuring his face.

Hux is acting as their manager, sitting in the front row and directing their movements subtly, holding a script of the skit in his hands.

Rey walks offstage to the soundboard, where Finn and Poe sit, holding a mic of their own and waiting.

Kylo taps the mic a few times, emitting feedback, and even the most die-hard First Order fans wince.

“Right,” Kylo says to start off, and he looks like an evil dictator in his black suit, sunlight draining through him. “LONG HAVE THE STUDENTS OF NEW REPUBLIC HIGH WONDERED ABOUT SNOKE, FORMERLY KNOWN AS SAM.”

“No, we haven’t,” mutters Finn. “ _No one cares_.”

“PEOPLE HAVE WONDERED ABOUT THE CONDITION OF HIS HAIR,” Kylo continues. “WHETHER HE HAS HAIR, OR NOT, AND SO FORTH. PEOPLE ARE CONFUSED THAT HIS HOODIE SEEMS TO BE PERMANENTLY GRAFTED ONTO HIS HEAD, BUT OF COURSE IT IS NOT REALLY. HE HAS A FOREHEAD UNDERNEATH IT.”

He coughs for suspense, and Rey rolls her eyes. “Just get _on_ with it,” she mutters.

“SOME OF YOU PARTICIPATED IN AN ONLINE POLL TO GUESS WHETHER OR NOT SNOKE IS BALD,” Kylo continues. “THE CENSUS IS…”

Phasma plays a dramatic piano chord, dark and minor.

“HE HAS HAIR!”

In one fluid motion, Snoke whips his hoodie off, and luscious locks of brown hair come tumbling off his forehead, pooling around his shoulders. He looks so weird without fabric framing his face, his puckered forehead on full display in the spotlight.

From the crowd, someone gasps. No one applauds.

Finn whispers in Rey’s ear, “Three, two, _one_.”

Rey presses the _unmute_ button on the soundboard for the mic she holds to her lips. “NOT TRUE!” she shouts, and the audience looks around for the source of the noise.

She waves to them. “SNOKE CANNOT POSSIBLY HAVE HAIR. THAT IS — _FAKE_.”

Snoke frowns at her and flips her off, but shrugs, tugging on his brown hair. It comes off easily, and he tosses it to the side. Under the wig, he is bald.

Kylo scowls into the mic. “ _STOP IT, REY_. AND SNOKE DOES _TOO_ HAVE HAIR.”

Snoke shrugs again, and reaches up to pinch the bald spot and take it off as well, revealing a trapped and messy afro underneath, stretching several inches past his ears.

Someone does actually whistle this time.

Rey frowns. “SNOKE _DOES NOT_ HAVE HAIR.”

As Hux stares down at the script of the skit in horror at how wrong the evening is going, Snoke pops the afro off his head, dropping it on the stage along with the rest. Underneath he is completely bald and his baldness is very tan.

Kylo growls. “HE DOES HAVE HAIR!”

Snoke drops another bald patch on the floor, revealing a short bright pink pixie cut on his head.

“THAT IS NOT ONLY IMPOSSIBLE, IT IS THE MOST IMMORAL THING ON PLANET EARTH,” Rey says. “SNOKE DOES _NOT HAVE PINK HAIR_.”

“It’s true,” Snoke says from onstage, taking his pink hair off to reveal short-cropped black hair lining his scalp.

Kylo points to his head and stage whispers, “You still have hair on.”

“Oh,” Snoke nods, and takes the black hair off, too. Underneath it is smooth baldness, again.

“RIGHT!” Rey says, interrupting the exchange. “ALL THIS IS FUNNY, BUT I DIDN’T COME TO EMBARRASS SNOKE. FOR YEARS, THE FIRST ORDER HAS BEEN TERRORIZING THE OTHER MEMBERS OF STUDENT GOVERNMENT. NOW HAS COME THE TIME TO REBEL!”

Poe grabs the mic out of Rey’s hands. “YEAH, KYLO!” he screams. “WE’RE GOING TO TOTALLY FUCK YOU UP IN FRONT OF YOUR MOM! SHE WILL GIVE YOU DETENTION THAT WILL _NEVER END_!”

Kylo looks between Poe and Rey at the soundbooth, both standing triumphantly. Finn just shrugs at him, like, _What can you do?_

“UH,” Kylo says. “I’VE DONE NOTHING TO WARRANT DETENTION. IN FACT, YOU ARE LITERALLY INTERRUPTING MY ACT, WHICH I AM ENTITLED TO HAVE, SO YOU TECHNICALLY ARE THE ONES FUCKING UP IN FRONT OF MY MOM. MOM, PLEASE GIVE THEM DETENTION NOW.”

Finn abandons his innocent act, taking the mic out of Poe’s hands. The grin on his face is more terrifying than Rey’s and Poe’s combined. “YOU ONLY _THINK SO_ ,” he says. “VIVA LA REVOLUTION!”

Rey screams, “Hit it, Finn!”

Finn runs to the stage and jumps on it, taking his phone out and hitting a single button.

The audience collectively holds its breath as a default ringtone echoes from Kylo’s jeans.

Rey screams, “THAT’S RIGHT. YOUR MOM SAID SHE WOULD PUT YOU IN DETENTION IF YOU EVER USED YOUR PHONE DURING SCHOOL HOURS. WELL, GUESS WHAT? IT’S SCHOOL HOURS, _BEN_!”

Kylo calmly takes the planted phone out of his back pocket. “AN OLD NOKIA, REALLY? THAT’S THE BEST YOU CAN DO? THIS ISN’T ANYTHING NEAR MY PHONE.”

Rey shouts, “PRINCIPAL ORGANA, PLEASE ARREST THIS MAN!”

From the piano, Phasma is laughing so loud that she plunks keys at random, and jarring music fills the air as all eyes turn to Leia Organa.

Leia is laughing, and then all at once she composes herself, jabbing two fingers in the direction of Kylo’s eyes and back at herself in a familiar ‘I’m watching you’ gesture.

Even with all the stage makeup on him, Kylo pales noticeably.

Giggles erupt from the crowd.

Finn takes the mic. “ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, IT’S INTERMISSION TIME! GIVE IT UP FOR A GREAT PERFORMANCE BY THE FIRST ORDER, AND AN EVEN BETTER PERFORMANCE BY THE GAY CHICKENS! WE ARE THE _ULTIMATE TROLLS_ , AND YOU KNOW IT, KYLO.”

He hits a switch on the keyboard and Willam Belli’s _Boy is a Bottom_ blares out through the speakers, this time loud enough for the bass to rock the floor.

“DON’T FORGET TO THROW ALL YOUR TRASH AT THE STAGE AND TRY TO HIT THE LIVING PIECES OF TRASH THAT ARE THE FIRST ORDER!” Finn continues as the audience surges up as one entity, still laughing.

Kylo drops the mic and blinks in confusion as he is pelted with chip bags and Coke bottles. Phasma hides under the piano to dodge the wreckage, and Hux is swallowed by the crowd.

“WE WON, KYLO!” Poe shrieks into the mic. “THE GAY CHICKENS TOTALLY _BEAT YOU_.”

Snoke just sighs as plastic bags fly past him. He reaches up to his head and pulls off the last bald spot, revealing no hair except in one braid that runs down the side of his head, down to his shoulder. He curls it on top of his head and puts his hoodie back on, walking out backstage.

“But you won’t even win the prize money!” Kylo protests. “You won _nothing_!”

“YEAH, BUT WE TOTALLY BEAT YOU,” retaliates Rey. “AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS. YOU’RE _RUINED_ , KYLO.”

> Rey Skywalker @tech63n1u5  
>  #TheFirstOrder exits, pursued by a bear!!! #TheGayChickens WIN!!! #UltimateFaceOff2k15
> 
> finn @thebigdeal  
>  best night of my life omg!!! won the eternal respect of my school and totally EMBARRASSED #THEFIRSTORDER
> 
> poe d @bestfuckingpilot5ever  
>  @thebigdeal u also won my <3 forever. so smexy screaming at kylo. my hero.
> 
> cutie poo @jesspavakicksass  
>  @tech63n1u5 so ready for ur next stuco event, prom :)) @bestfuckingpilot5ever THIS ISN’T OVER YOU RUINED MY ENTIRE CAREER ASSHOLE
> 
> <3 Hester @50shadesofhux  
>  #TheFirstOrder regroup & replan, yeah? this def isn’t over
> 
> it’s PHASMA @phasmaticalphaser  
>  let’s hit #TheGayChickens where it hurts this time. that’s right. ambush senior trip. #whoswithme?
> 
> SUPREME LEADER @snooky19  
>  on senior trip we shave their heads in their sleep?? my idea > @phasmaticalphaser’s idea
> 
> spoopy jim @KnightsOfRenFanpage  
>  (1/2) the battle is over, but the war has just begun. #TheGayChickens have not seen the last of us.
> 
> spoopy jim @KnightsOfRenFanpage  
>  (2/2) #UltimateFaceOff2k15 might be over, but #TheFirstOrder is going to rule New Republic high, just u wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short list of things I took inspiration from in my own life included in this:
> 
> -Student Council (obviously), that wooden dick keychain used as a joke that I have and will use as a prank gift for one of my friends, the struggles of managing Talent Shows (and dances, and like events, etc.), the references to AP World History and AP English, sound board hijinks (I haven't worked on a sound team in years but it's still my groove), the hunt for university, managing Talent Shows (it's brutal, trust me), and probably many other things I have forgotten. 
> 
> Everything else is either taken from interviews with the cast (okay but seriously, Oscar Isaac shares some pretty embarrassing shit in his interviews that's too good not to use, unfortunately I couldn't fit in Estar Gwars anywhere...) or my head. I literally sat on my sofa like 'how can I make this even more unbelievably dramatic and ridiculous?' in between writing angst. That was my writing process and somehow I came up with 17k of that shit. Wow.

**Author's Note:**

> If you think I'm funny please follow me at my [tumblr](http://www.billpottses.tumblr.com).
> 
> EDIT 2/5/17: [THERE IS ART!](https://chaifighter.tumblr.com/post/160204963617/leading-by-example-by-serenfyrr-is-my-1-favorite) Thank you so much! <3


End file.
